Separating can be an extremely stressful period of time. This can be compounded when spouses start living separately and have to make timely decisions regarding where the children will live and how often they will see the other parent.
To assist parents and their professional advisors in developing child-focused, realistic parenting schedules, the Ontario Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC-Ontario) has prepared a Parenting Plan Guide. The Guide combines knowledge gained from developmental research on the impact of parental separation and divorce on children, with practical insights about the needs of children with parents living apart. This article highlights key points from the Guide to assist parents in creating an effective parenting schedule.
Initial Considerations
It is important to note that there is no presumption of equal parenting time. Parenting time is structured around the individualized needs of each child and the circumstances of the parents. The fact that one parent may have provided more care before separation and a child may be more closely attached to that parent may well have initial significance in making an initial post-separation parenting plan. However, it is important to recognize that regardless of prior parenting arrangements, and in the absence of concerns about risks to the safety or wellbeing of a child, after separation both parents are expected to have significant roles in the lives of their children after separation. Moreover, the children's needs and circumstances of the parents may change as the children grow older and therefore the initial plan will need to be adjusted.
In cases where there are on-going family violence concerns, or one parent has serious mental health or substance abuse issues, voluntary arrangements may not be appropriate. In such cases, the protection afforded by the legal process and a Court Order may be essential to address the risk of harm to children.
1. Consider the needs of the child and their age
Parents should be aware of the developmental needs of a child in structuring an age-appropriate parenting schedule.
Generally, between the ages of birth to 36 months, separations from each parent should not be long (no more than two to three days or two nights). If the child is older, typically by age 6, separations can be longer and will normally involve children spending 2 to 7 nights in a two-week cycle with each parent (e.g. 2-2-3, 5-5-2-2, 3-4-4-3, week-about). Children in the pre-teen or adolescent stage may express a preference for a "home base" model. They may do so because of practical concerns about school, extracurricular activities, peer relationships, or living arrangements in a blended family. Such a preference should not be confused with resistance to contact or alienation and should generally be respected.
2. Contemplate care transitions
Parents should consider how pick-ups and drop-offs will be coordinated and who will be transporting the children between households.
If the parents have difficulty in communicating, it may be preferable to have as many exchanges of care as possible done by having one parent drop the child at school (or another neutral location) and the other pick up the child at the end of the school day
Sometimes one parent may not be able to pick up or drop off the children in person and may arrange for someone else to do this. In most cases, this should not cause problems. As uncomfortable as it may be at first, parents have to adjust to new situations, including becoming acquainted and civil with individuals who may play a significant role in their children's lives, like a new partner of the other parent.
3. Plan for school holidays, vacations, and other special days
The "regular" parenting schedule will typically apply during the school year, and may or may not continue during the summer. Most parents will want a holiday and vacation schedule to take precedence over the regular schedule for at least part of the summer break from school, as well as making some provision for some celebratory days.
- The following holidays should be considered when developing a parenting schedule:
- long weekends and PA days
- school holiday periods (e.g. Winter Break, Spring Break, Summer Break)
Religious holidays and other special days (e.g. birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Muslim Eid Holiday, Jewish Holidays, Diwali Holiday)
Summer Vacation time should also be discussed. Each parent will typically want some uninterrupted time with the children in the summer. For example, each parent may have one week in July and one week in August (or two uninterrupted weeks during the summer), with the balance of the summer following their regular schedule. However, an extended period of time away from either parent, especially if one is the primary caregiver, may be less appropriate if children are very young.
4. Create ground rules for "virtual parenting time" (telephone, video calls and other contact)
Many children want to keep in contact with one parent while in the care of the other parent, especially if the periods of separation are more than a couple of days. If there is a potential for conflict on this issue, it can be important to set out some ground rules for contact with one parent while the child is in the care of the other parent.
Younger children are unlikely to have the time management skills and technical skills to arrange this type of contact, and they may feel guilt or sadness in the aftermath of having "forgotten" to call. Adolescents are more likely to enjoy greater independence in reaching out to each parent as it suits their schedule and needs. Parents should decide together if and how much telephone/texting or other contact will meet the child's needs.
Parents should remain flexible and focused on the child's needs when evaluating how often the child contacts the other parent. Successful virtual parenting time with younger children is often relatively short, perhaps 5 to 10 minutes, that might be extended if the child continues to be engaged in the call.
5. Implement Interparental Communication Protocol
Parents must share information so that children's experience, as they transition between parents, is as smooth as possible. It is especially important for parents to communicate about changes in health conditions or recent incidents that may have upset their children.
Children are harmed by exposure to conflict between their parents. This is one of the most consistent findings in the research on post-separation parenting. High conflict between parents increases children's anxiety and negatively impacts healthy child development
A helpful slogan is that such communications should be "B.I.F.F.": Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm."
The content of this article is intended to provide a general guide to the subject matter. Specialist advice should be sought about your specific circumstances.