India: Step By Step Guide To Crash A Flying Jet (Lessons Not To Be Learnt)

Last Updated: 8 May 2019
Article by Shubham Borkar and Nitish Daniel
Most Read Contributor in India, May 2019

Saints, Pastors, Gurus have toiled their whole lives to reveal this secret, but after few hours of thorough studies, immaculate research, and unprecedented hard work, we have done it! We present to you " A Step by Step Guide to Crash a Flying Jet". Yes folks you heard it right, not just a plane you can even crash a complete whole airline service using these steps, all thanks to our superior enlightening Indian roots and circumambience. Crashing an airline business is a cooperative effort and takes a lot of hard work, and hence each player should perform their part correctly otherwise an airline business might just survive and we don't want that do we!

Steps to take as a government

  1. Make sure that the Airlines regulation process is as opaque is possible because if its transparent, people will see you change your clothes and they can object to what you decide to wear or suggest something better to wear. Hence, just give too much discretion to DGCA, civil servants, and politicians, sit back and enjoy.
  2. Ensure you don't have enough land infrastructures by keeping your already existing airports under capacitated and certainly forget about building new ones. One runway for Mumbai Airport and three for Delhi are more than enough to handle the aviation market in a country with population of 1.3 billion. Leave the market underpenetrated with less than required commercial aircrafts, 565 is the present number. They are waste of time and resources anyway. You know why?1
  3. Because as a government you should still be under the impression that civil aviation is a luxury market as we should strive to live in the era we achieved independence it was clearly a better time than the present.2
  4. Air travel is a luxury that's utilised by rich capitalist pigs ( who doesn't give a damn) so aviation fuel should be taxed at a higher rate, as should be the case with air tickets to ensure these capitalist pigs have to pay more.3
  5. You can allow the other associated industries such as hotel industry, taxi industry, catering industry, airplane manufacturers, and oil co, airport co. to get rich but ensure airlines keep getting poorer.4
  6. Make sure you bail out only PSUs engaged in aviation business but not any private airline. Otherwise, Armageddon could present it upon us.

Steps to take as an Airlines Service Industry

  1. Despite having unprecedented annual growth of 20% in the Indian aviation market in the last 4 years have reckless competition and paper thin margins due to high cost of aviation turbine fuel along with high taxes and surcharges imposed by the government. See government is helping you.
  2. Make sure you focus on short term growth rather than economic viability. Despite having high functioning cost due to factors like ATF prices, landing and navigation charges etc., reduce the fares to increase stimulate growth.5
  3. Incept the minds of whole airline service industry Christopher Nolan style to induct around 800 airplanes in next 5-6 years so they are interested in increasing market growth by cheap fare rates even if it means barely breaking,
  4. Give out bonuses, perks, hefty pay checks and all sorts of luxury to your staff, even though you are drowning in debt.
  5. Without even first clearing your aircrafts from DGCA, import and recruit Expert foreign pilots ( expensive)in order to expand your international flight business, Planes are configured or not, All permissions are taken or not, these points should hardly bother you6
  6. So don't aim for profits aim for profits are a sham!

Steps to take in your specific airline policies

  1. Focus on international flights rather than domestic flights despite having terrible Rupee to Dollar currency exchange rate. We repeat DO NOT!!! Do not increase ticket fairs despite steady rise in Aviation fuel prices and operational costs just to follow low cost model (that you need to follow because of entry of low-budget airlines since 2000s).
  2. Remember "ADAPT OR PERISH!" is fake news so adapting to changing circumstances is for the weak. So, keep being full service airlines offering free meals and on-board entertainment while consumers refuse to pay for them in case of other budget airlines. Also, keep the first class seats in your aircraft, there is a reason other airlines are getting rid of them, the reason is they all are dumb. Indians will appreciate your superior quality, it's not just about saving money that's important for them (LOL).
  3. Government schemes like UDAN-RCS, UDAN (Ude Desh ka Aam Naagrik scheme) are for noobs ignore them. Have fewer flights in those routes included in the scheme, because incentives and exemptions are for amateurs.
  4. History doesn't repeat itself. So, don't learn anything from the past experience of airlines that crashed like Kingfisher, Air Deccan, and Air Sahara. Follow their footsteps and expect different result, as only then people would appreciate you.
  5. We have known from ancient times 'Money is the root of all evil' and 'paisa to haath ka mail hai' as they say, so engage in wasteful spending. Make sure that to crash your airlines you buy other crashing airlines at an inordinate price. If you doubt this method just look at proven instances where Kingfisher bought Air Deccan and now Jet Airways purchase of Air Sahara.
  6. Don't pay the salaries of your employees on time or rather better don't pay them at all, they should be just glad that you have given them the gift of employment. This will increase their moral, they will work harder, and won't leave your company to join others as nobody needs to feed their family, pay their rent, school fees for kids, or house loan instalments such things are myths.
  7. Focus just on corporate consumers common people can either walk to their destinations or be consumers of other airlines. No compromises!
  8. Despite having small fleet, have a mixed fleet of aircrafts rather than having aircrafts of same make as it will increase the cost of resources required, you should constantly try to increase your cost of resources.
  9. Build palace of wings rather than a cottage, Indians love grandeur. So, be stubborn and have much less seats in your airplanes than the international standards.

Steps to take as management of Airlines

  1. Be a good entrepreneur but confuse being a good entrepreneur with being a good manager. Let's call this entrepreneur as Garesh Noyal. Mr. Garesh Noyal shouldn't listen to his financial advisers and other expert management as they just have the degrees and experience in the relevant field, always listen to your heart as business is all about making emotional decisions.
  2. Mr. Garesh Noyal must be control freak and should kick every opportunity of reviving the airlines into dustbin like how Germany kicked Brazil 7-1 in 2014 FIFA World Cup. Say you get an opportunity to offload costly A330-200s to several potential buyers, kick it straight to dustbin, boom GOAL!!! *DJ Airhone flares*7. Say you get an opportunity to sell your entire ATR fleet causing you annual loss of over $100 million, kick it straight to dustbin, boom GOAL!!! *DJ Airhone flares again*8.
  3. Have an investor for example let us give them a fictional name Etimad Airtrays who is unwilling and disinterested to invest as they don't trust in the profitability of oldest private airlines in India. This can be ensured by Mr. Garesh Noyal deliberating moving airlines global hub to let's say Amstradam from Brussels.
  4. Make sure that such Garesh Noyal tussles with other investor like Etimad Airtrays for control of company even when the future of company is at risk.
  5. Mr. Garesh Noyal should ensure that his promoter's share doesn't decrease even if it means losing investors. Mr. Garesh Noyal shouldn't resign till the very moment Titanic hit the iceberg and holes have been drilled in all life boats.
  6. Mr. Garesh Noyal should also ensure that he fails to find a strategic investor to pump money into the carrier extended the airline's losses and ensure you fend off any interested investors let's call them aTaT group.

Disclaimer: The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

Just kidding, of course infer it, we don't care it's a news analysis piece for God Sake.

Footnotes

[1] Major Airports in US have 6-7 Runways each, they have over 7000 commercial planes , by the way population of US is just 32 Crore.

[2] ( major low cost airlines) Indigo and Spice Jet have 85 and 70% domestic flights respectively

[3] A combined State and Central tax on Aviation Turbine Fuel ( ATF) is between 35 to 40% whereas the maximum GST rate is only 28%.

[4] A major share of you ticket ultimately goes to the Airports.

[5] Jet Airways( full service Aviation company) facing reckless competition significantly reduced it cost to match ( low cost airlines)like Spice, Indigo etc.

[6] Kingfisher Airlines did the same

[7] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFr74zI1LBM

[8] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFr74zI1LBM

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